


I Feel Like a Monster

by orphan_account



Series: New Memories [3]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Stiles Stilinski, I'm Bad At Tagging, Isaac is amazing, Rape Recovery, Recovery, Stiles has a breakdown, because therapy is tough, but basically, metaphors are the best, super philosophical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-16
Updated: 2014-02-16
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:38:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was silent for a moment before Stiles took the moment to speak, "How can you love me?" The question caught Isaac so off guard that he had to think for a moment before he could answer her. "I don't understand. You are going to have to clarify that for me Stiles."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Feel Like a Monster

Stiles sat on the floor of her shower. She hugged her knees to her chest and stared blankly a head. She let the water cascade over her, but she couldn't really feel it. She was numb. The kind of empty you get when you have too much to think about. When there is just too much to process. It was one of those times where the numb blankness was saving the small remaining shreds of her sanity. She was lucky she still even had those few shreds.  
He didn't know. How could she tell her sweet and beautiful Isaac that her demons were back? How could she take all of their progress and basically call it worthless?  
She had woken up from a nightmare. It was one like she had frequently; a flashback to her past... but now old Mr. Johnson wasn't the perpetrator. This time it was Isaac. And she thought she was getting better. She thought they had made so much progress. She thought that things would be okay. And it had been the first time in a long while that she was optimistic about her recovery.  
But now, she had started to subconsciously put Isaac in the place of her abuser. And the most horrifying part of the whole ordeal, was that she was turned on. More than that... she had gotten off on that thought and had an intense orgasm while thinking about it. How could she be so royally fucked up?  
***  
"There are times when nothing will get me off... Like, I'm horny... and I really want to orgasm... But I can't think of anything that does it for me.  
"But then I think about rape. And sometimes when thinking about it isn't enough, I read stories (fake ones) about women being raped. I feel so turned on, the helplessness that they feel... the thought that they are being made to feel such intense pleasure without really wanting it, And god. I know that isn't normal. I know that I shouldn't glorify it or think of it as desirable... but sometimes when I just want to be held down and forced to orgasm in the most humiliating way possible. I want to be degraded so badly, to be called a whore and told how dirty I am for getting off on being raped. Why do I want that??? It's fucking sick. I disgust myself once I've gotten off. I look back and I feel like a dirty traitor. Like I am betraying myself. I feel ashamed that I would want sex to be so perverted."  
Stiles was sitting in her therapist's office. It was her once a week session, and since her romance with Isaac began, they were focusing more on her past sexual trauma. Stiles had managed to get sex and intimacy all twisted up. She no longer knew which way was up and which way was down.  
"What am I supposed to say? 'Hey Isaac. You know what babe? I really like the idea of you treating the way my abuser did. It gets me all hot and bothered. I think it would really spice up our sex life.' God that is so disgusting. I'm disgusting. I don't deserve to be in a relationship with him. He is messed up enough without adding my crazy to the mix. He shouldn't have to deal with whatever has been screwed up in my mind. I'm not normal, and I never will be. I should just settle on being alone for the entirety of my life."  
The office was quite. Stiles' therapist, Maggie, looked at her. "Did you just hear what you just said?" Stiles didn't respond. Because, to be honest, she had just said a whole lot of things. Taking her silence as an answer, Maggie continued. "Your adjectives that you use? They are very judgmental." Maggie let her words sink in. "Yeah... so what? I'm allowed to judge myself if I want. It's how I feel isn't?" Stiles knew she was being defensive. She had been in therapy enough to know her behaviors were typical.  
"Why don't you try talking to Isaac about this stuff? I don't think he sees things in the same light as you do." Maggie suggested.  
***  
A few days later, Isaac and Stiles were by a lake in the woods having a picnic. It had been Isaac's idea. He had never really gotten to do many things like that when he was younger. They lay down on a blanket together, with Stiles resting her head on Isaac's stomach. They looked up into the trees that were just waking up from the sleep of winter.It was silent for a moment before Stiles took the moment to speak, "How can you love me?"  
The question caught Isaac so off guard that he had to think for a moment before he could answer her. "I don't understand. You are going to have to clarify that for me Stiles." Stiles hummed out a noncommittal sound. "I mean, I can't stand myself sometimes. I look in the mirror and all I see is the twisted up remains of what was once a girl. I feel like a monster. I feel like I am worse than any of the sadistic Argents. How can you look at me and feel anything other than revulsion. I can't even look at myself sometimes. So how can you see me as anything other than this beast that isn't worthy of compassion?"  
If later on Stiles claimed Isaac looked like a deer in the headlights, well then it was her word against his.  
He was quiet and contemplative for a moment before settling on an answer. "We get all sorts of dogs in the animal clinic. I've told you about the different cases we have. Well we get these pit bulls sometimes, and they are so afraid that they lash out at everyone and anything. They aren't bad dogs, they just act that way in order to protect themselves, to survive. See, it's the people or the situation that turned them into these frightened things. All dogs are loving by nature, it's just the circumstances that don't allow for them to display their natural dispositions. That is a lot like you. I can't blame you for being taken advantage of. You didn't ask to be treated poorly, and it isn't your fault. You are like those dogs. More ignorant people blame the dogs and call them cruel or wild, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It's just how they have learned to survive.  
"So you saying you are a monster isn't exactly the right thing to say. Sure, you can feel like a monster or whatever. You are entitled to your own feelings, but the minute you start to believe you are one is the moment that we run into a problem. Don't blame the victim Stiles. It's one thing to be abused, but it's another to think that you are as bad as your abuser."  
Stiles would never cease to be amazed by Isaac's insight on the world. He always had this way about him that put her at ease. He always knew what to say, and could say it without putting his foot in his mouth. Even if he was a prick sometimes, he always had everyone's best interest at heart.  
"Thank you." Stiles whispered. She sat up and leaned over to kiss Isaac. "That means the world to me."  
After a silent few moments, Stiles began to laugh. Isaac looked at her like she was insane. And maybe she was.  
"I guess if I'm a monster then we were made for each other. what do you say big bad?" Yeah, she was a little crazy... but Isaac liked it.


End file.
